What I Will Be Doing During My Last Moments

There is a memorable scene in The Death of Artemio Cruz in which he realizes that he is now dying, and that this is the time and place and way it will end. He had wondered where and when he would die, and here it is.

I just loved the description because I think of dying, well, all the time. My first summer job, when I was sixteen and seventeen years old, was working in a Massachusetts hospital and involved a lot of time alone in the autopsy room. The pathologist would dissect the body as he found necessary then I would do the cleanup – remove and dispose of the guts, organs, brain, blood; wash the body and sew it back up; wrap it up in a shroud and roll it into a bag; call the undertaker to take it away; wash the tools and bench; and then turn out the lights.

Various well-meaning friends, co-workers, and my boss felt that maybe I was too young to see so much death so closely. I thought a lot about that possibility at the time but it was all just truth and reverence to me. I have felt during the sixty or so years since then that the experience had no adverse effect on me or even any noticeable effect at all.

Caution! This could be deeply upsetting or offensive but you too can see what goes on in an autopsy room by going to this link, although actually being there and smelling death is different from just seeing these photos.

But sometimes now I reflect that perhaps the experience had much more effect on me than I have understood. I think the source of my error has been that I have not realized that others just don't think about it as much as I do. To me, the thought of death enters into everything I say, think, or do. But when I talk to others now or really get inside their shoes or see through their eyes, I believe that, relatively speaking, they rarely think of it.

I find myself thinking: You say you need more love, more money, more accomplishment, more stuff, more recognition, but don't you realize you're going to die any moment now? Do you think you're going to live forever? And what's this cruelty thing, this wish to get ahead of others, this wish to diminish others? And what is this ambition thing, this idea that you are going to “make your mark on the world?”

There are just so many things that I have not understood, because death was so real to me. “Competition,” for instance. It has seemed that almost everyone I knew or heard of thought that “competition” was somehow a good thing. Me, the very idea of competition leaves me cold. You want to get ahead of me, pass me on the highway even at risk of your life? Fine. Be my guest. Drive just as fast as you can and get ahead of me. “Winning is the only thing” or even a good thing was a widely-held belief, although it seemed as false, contemptible or insane as anything could be. The idea of trying to be “better than” someone else was as strange to me as the birds in the garden.

In fact, I still don't get it. I just don't get how being better than, or getting ahead of, someone else could be such a widespread wish. Just thinking of it makes me feel unclean.

Another effect that a high level of Personal Death Awareness, “PDA,” as I've recently heard it called, seems to be an almost constant questioning of what is worth doing and what is not worth doing. “Life is too short for this” or “This is the only thing that really matters” or "This may be the last time I ever get to see this person whom I love so very much" seem to go through my mind more often than I think is usual.

There is an ancient belief that there is a “life review” that happens at the time of our death. It is commonly a part of near-death reports (See Life Review and the Near-Death Experience). One of the most intriguing elements of those reports is that often the things which are seen in the clarity of that review to have been “little” are actually quite big. And what had once seemed to be a big deal is actually quite empty.

My best guess as to what I will be doing during my last moments is that I will be thinking of the people I love.